at home

bay window
no matter the season
drawn curtains

he’s not what you’d call sociable. sometimes he just starts yelling for no reason. but there’s no way to predict when that will be. so how do i explain him to someone new? someone not in the family? quirky doesn’t really cut it.

filling the length
of the front window
blue hydrangea


16 Responses

  1. Allison Millcock Says:

    This would be much stronger without the first haiku. "no matter the season" is too intellectual for haiku and takes the reader out of the moment (it tells instead of shows). It also anticipates the emotion to come and I would rather discover it as I go. Otherwise, an excellent piece.

  2. haikutec Says:

    The first haiku is so good you almost don't need a haibun from it. But I love the haibun and second haiku too, so this has been a real treat.

    Alan, With Words

  3. Roberta Beary Says:

    hey alan thanks for your thoughts. so said i missed your deadline :( what to do with those haiku now.

  4. Roberta Beary Says:

    i meant to say… so sad i missed your deadline!

  5. haikutec Says:

    That's a shame. I'm really looking forward to our With Words administrator sending me all the entries (without names) so I can starting looking at them. I'm really excited about our third competition. ;-)

  6. Allison Says:

    This would be much stronger without the first haiku.
    "no matter the season" is too intellectual for haiku – it tells instead of shows which takes the reader out of the moment. Although I personally would prefer just the one haiku at the end, something like "bay window / bright sunshine against / drawn curtains" would tighten it up.
    Otherwise, an excellent piece.

  7. haikutec Says:

    Hi Allison,

    Certainly removing the first haiku would bring a completely new take on the haibun prose. An interesting thought.

    I think 'bright sunshine' might serve to tell as well, and might enforce the idea that the quirky 'he' is actually the blue hydrangea itself.

    With the first haiku, Roberta has set up the interior atmosphere of someone closed off to the world, and the second and final haiku helps compare this with the blue hydrangea "lapping up" the sun, and the external world.

    I feel there is very much a tragi-comedy going on, and with any good comedy, there's a strong serious streak running through it.

    Alan, With Words

  8. Roberta Beary Says:

    thanks allison; i appreciate your comments.

  9. Terri French Says:

    I love the first haiku , it exemplifies the pain, shame and embarrassment addressed in the prose portion of the piece.

  10. Roberta Beary Says:

    hi Terri. thanks for your thoughts on the first haiku.

  11. richard krawiec Says:

    Thanks for the invitation to dinner Roberta.
    I like the meal you cooked, except you should throw out the appetizers and cook the dessert with entirely different ingredients.
    Otherwise, it was excellent.

  12. Roberta Beary Says:

    richard thanks so much for your comment which i 'got' right away…nothing was lost in translation! i can almost hear The Sound of Poets Cooking (Jacar Press 2010)

  13. Jennifer Corpe Says:

    I really like this haibun with both haiku. I think of "bi-polar disorder" without Roberta saying this for sure. Without both haiku I wouldn't have gotten the play between darkness & light, or my interpretation that the windows are at opposite ends of the house, (not to mention opposite ends of the piece) which all help to strengthen the feeling of extremes.

  14. haikutec Says:

    Good point Jennifer. Alas bi-polar issues are so common nowadays. I agree that both haiku are needed for the prose section.

    Alan, With Words

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  16. jee main results Says:

    th the first haiku, Roberta has set up the interior atmosphere of someone closed off to the world, and the second and final haiku helps compare this with the blue hydrangea "lapping up" the sun, and the external world.

    I feel there is very much a tragi-comedy going on, and with any good comedy, there's a strong serious streak running through it.

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