after the downpour
heavy clouds and fluffed pigeons
share the pavement pool


—paul amphlett
        

About the author: paul amphlett (peerpoetry at yahoo dot co dot uk) writes: I have been writing poetry for yonks and haiku, etc., since 1992. have been editing and publishing Peer Poetry Magazine since 1995. A write up about it and my attempts to integrate haiku etc with the broad mass of poetry are in a long article on the World Haiku Club website, here.

 

Responses to the haiku for 4 April 2003 by paul amphlett

  1.  
    2003-04-04 17:07:15
     

    It's a great image. I love the twin focus, and the juxtaposition of the reflected with the directly seen.

    But wait a minute. What are those adjectives doing in the middle line? Is it really necessary to tell us the clouds are heavy? I assume fluffed means the pigeons' feathers are ruffled from the wet.

    I really don't think these adjectives are anything more than ballast, and haiku, of all forms, surely can do without ballast. Except of course if we're desperately seeking syllables! I've already commented about the non-equivalence of English syllables and Japanese onji.

    Strip out those adjectives and this is still longer than a standard 17-onji Japanese haiku, and for me at any rate, conveys the same wonderful picture, without the distraction of filler.

  2.  
    Kathy Mann
    2003-04-04 23:12:14
     

    I loved this image. For me, the adjectives made the image specific - clouds, after all, can be fluffy, wispy, trailing, cumulous or whatever.

    I enjoyed rereading it and simply entering its space for a while. Thanks.

  3.  
    2003-04-05 17:07:56
     

    This is nice, the clouds seen in the pool of water and the pigeons preening themselves. there is a lot of colour, there is movement and sound.

  4.  
    bob richardson (orgbob at webt dot net)
    2003-04-05 23:18:13
     

    well well, norman, it appeared as though you were being outnumbered by kathy and gillena.

    i can see your point, norman, useless adjectives.

    first line had potential, "after the downpour", now what...
    i was thinking, hmmm, what if, just maybe, if the third line was switched with the second line, establishing a better flow, lacking the adjectives.

    case in point:

    after the downpour...
    sharing the pavement pool...

    clouds and pigeons

    the "heavy" clouds definitely brings on a struggle. rather than appearing heavy, their reflections would be light, lacking dimensions, rather flat.

    "fluffed" pigeons, hmmm, has possibilities, if one wanted to move away from the reflections, or even adding it to the reflections being seen, but the haiku doesn't really need it to survive.


    to be cont.

  5.  
    bob richardson (orgbob at webtv dot net)
    2003-04-05 23:24:28
     

    continuing:

    perhaps, paul might make a guess appearance to inform us as to the illusion he was trying to create with the addition of the adjectives. who knows there might be something we are overlooking, possibly.

    norman, yes, less at times is best.
    "ballast"...hahaha, quite a kidder norman; just maybe, paul didn't realize the adjectives would weigh it down.

    kathy, the haiku, with it being imaginative, is enough to bring the adjectives to mind; having seen the aftermath of a rain storm, all these adjectives readily come to mind. again, i feel the author was trying to billow the piece where assistance wasn't needed.

    gillena, i was with you, until you mentioned "a lot of colour", yes, i can imagine the movement and sound.

    wait... perhaps you saw the rainbow, as i did, but i didn't see it in the pool.


    "words heard...
    amid the blossoming trees
    living in one's mind"

  6.  
    bob richardson (orgbob at webtv dot net)
    2003-04-05 23:29:57
     

    i truly hope paul makes the guest^ appearance, rather than keep us guessing.

    see, norman, i have a sense of humor, too.
    haha

  7.  
    john tiong chunghoo (bagiruang at yahoo dot com)
    2004-01-06 08:59:43
     

    rain
    a flock of swallows
    rest on the church cross

  8.  
    bob richardson (orgbob at webtv dot net)
    2004-06-06 12:50:26
     

    from the gutter's
    thirst for rain ...
    the dove takes to the sky

  9.  
    Alan Summers
    2008-11-24 12:00:24
     

    I love...

    heavy clouds and fluffed pigeons

  10.  
    b.m.r.
    2009-01-17 16:20:16
     

    beginning of frigid night
    darkness deepens--
    solitary thought

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