April morning stars---
barn swallows chattering
at driveway's end


—Peter Pache
        

About the author: Peter H. Pache is a biologist living in southern New Mexico, writing haiku since 2002.

 

Responses to the haiku for 21 April 2003 by Peter Pache

  1.  
    deborah russell (sellwein at hotmail dot com)
    2003-04-21 13:13:46
     

    The word swallows is the kigo, the ing could be dropped. I like the visuals. Very nice image.

    morning stars---
    barn swallows chatter
    at driveway's end

  2.  
    Ellen G. Olinger (ElinGrace at wi dot rr dot com)
    2003-04-21 16:25:23
     

    I like the juxtaposition of swallows and stars. A nice moment.

    I've graded many papers, but not poetry. Have not read that many technical articles about haiku. I like to learn by reading and practicing. Always tried for lots of conversation in my classes (early childhood to university teaching). Thank you.

  3.  
    bob richardson (orgbob at webtv dot net)
    2003-04-21 23:13:46
     

    i am rereading deborah's comments

    i am rereading ellen's comments

  4.  
    bob richardson (orgbob at webtv dot net)
    2003-04-22 00:29:48
     

    the lateness of the hour does things to one's thought process.

    i'll try, anyway

    april's morning stars(seasonal/kigo)
    or even, april, morning stars

    morning stars(takes away the kigo)


    barn swallows chattering(nature) gives it more of a "present" flavor

    disagreeing with deborah, the "haiku" is generally nature in content, with a seasonal word being the kigo.
    however, today most anything is acceptable.

    the first two lines do present pivotal points.

    in reading the third line, i began to reread.
    where was the discovery, the surprise?

    the third line let me down,

    did the piece have two trains of thoughts, i wonder

    perhaps the piece could become a two lines haiku, with the first and second line being used interchangeably



    disagreeing with ellen on the "juxtapose"

    the morning's stars and the barn swallows were akin to a simile, even though the use of "like" or "as" was omitted

    perhaps an assimilation

  5.