rooftop sunlight
temporarily blinds
the sparrow


—David W. Wood
        

About the author: David Wood (x2x3x4 at msn dot com) David Wood, a retired gentlemen from Ohio, writes for his own enjoyment. He has had work shown by Paperwasp, Mainichi News, Stylus Poetry Journal, Heron's Nest, Simply Haiku, and the Asahi Haikuist Network.

 

Responses to the haiku for 4 June 2003 by David W. Wood

  1.  
    Stella Siador
    2003-06-04 15:29:14
     

    I like this haiku. One question, though: What kind of roof would the sparrow have to be on to blind it? Just asking.

  2.  
    bob richardson (orgbob at webtv dot net)
    2003-06-04 22:57:53
     

    i guess, i am almost in agreement with you, stella.

    the reason being, not so much for the author's writing, because i too am at a lost, and left in the dark, but, because it reminded me of something, long ago in my youth.

    we'd go out at night onto the porch, taking with us a flashlight, and looking up at the rafters, we'd look for pigeons and sparrows roosting for the evening. we'd flick the flashlight on for a split second, knowing the birds would not fly off into the darkness; getting even closer, again we'd briefly turn on the light. this would blind them temporarily, allowing us to capture them.

    oh well, back to the present, even reminiscing didn't help enlighten me to david's words.

    lately, i think most feel adding a bit of mystery to their composition enhances it.

  3.  
    Michael Meyerhofer (angry_seraph at yahoo dot com)
    2003-06-06 17:48:49
     

    Although this haiku gave me the image of a sparrow on a tin roof being blinded by the metallic flashing of sunlight, I still think including a concrete detail about the roof's material could be helpful to focus the reader's attention more on the rooftop (and the bird) than the sun above. If you'll allow me to present an example of what I mean...

    tin rooftop--
    sunlight blinds
    the sparrow

    Just a thought. Anyway, I liked the image you created; it reminded me of a similar moment from my youth. Which brings me to my next point...

    Bob, this is supposed to be a constructive forum. Phrases--and corresponding attitudes--like "oh well, back to the present, even reminiscing didn't help enlighten me to david's words" are about as contrary to the spirit of haiku as they are smarmy and unproductive. Constructive criticism is one thing. Arrogance is another.

  4.  
    bob richardson (orgbob at webtv dot net)
    2003-06-06 19:34:18
     

    i beg to differ, michael.
    this is suppose to be a commentary of one's opinion of another's creation, be it good or bad.

    any worthy creation stands on it's own merit, in addition to it being worthy because the authors took the time to share their thoughts, yet there is no protection from critiques.

    i would suggest you'd read more into the history of the "haiku".
    with each new, and even within the accepted form of the haiku, at that time, criticism has gone hand in hand with it's development. this prevents anything from becoming archaic, staid, or obsolete. look at the masterpieces of old, who tries to simulate their styles and forms, any longer.

    michael, i looked up the word arrogance to understand it's application to me.

    arrogance: the pride which exalts one's own importance.

    in my words, i express my likes and dislikes, along with some foundation, but for some, not quite enough.

  5.  
    bob richardson (orgbob at webtv dot net)
    2003-06-06 19:38:48
     

    continuing...

    i trust you were not, as well as others, feeling a sense of imperilment from my being OUTSPOKEN.

    isn't there a bit of arrogancy in us all, as i conceive in you, by your remarks.

    all to often, any comment will find an adversary.

    the thought comes to mind, michael, what is your definition of constructive criticism.

    michael, for all your words, there was a similarity to my own, though your words left me with the impression, you were treading lightly, for fear of injuring or insulting another.
    if you're to write, and share what you've written, criticism, both good and bad, comes with the territory.

  6.  
    2003-06-16 18:00:29
     

    This isn't so much a poem, as it is a sentence.

  7.  
    David Wood
    2003-06-17 12:41:44
     

    I have no problem with the critism and in fact have given it thought. Examples or suggestions for improvment do help. I envisioned the sun pearing over a peaked roof and the height itself magifying heat and single glare to the point of affecting the sparrow nesting in the gutter.

    I dont feel I was successful conveying this. Surprisingly another judge of work asked to post it as well.

    It does read like a sentence and I find myself stuck doing much of just that. A sentence is simply a word grouping which makes a statement. In my mind a haiku does also but a good one more effectively than I have. Maybe Steve could offer his definition of a Haiku. Mine would simply be a less than 17 slyable nature observation which inclued time, place often with season reference.

    As a begineer I'll take all help offered. Thanks

  8.  
    bob richardson (orgbob at webtv dot net)
    2003-06-19 06:31:35
     

    david,
    it is said, "most do not understand what they alone want, while trying to tell another what they should or should not do". if this is to be your style, so be it. if you continue to write along these lines, sooner or later you will develop a following, unless as you grow your efforts grow, while varying. i enjoyed your response. i have visited quite a few haiku sites, and have yet to see two with the same understanding of what a haiku should be, however what i have observed is their being opinionated as to what they, themselves, like.
    from your words, you are the epitome of a haiku writer, one whose takes no offence to others examining their creation, being satisfied in having shared the moment.

    if "i" were you, i would not seek changes from within, for then you will only end up killing off the original source, then becoming one in a million of other clones, straying from the worn path.
    after all has been said, your work was thought provoking, and you did share...

  9.  
    john tiong chunghoo
    2004-01-04 08:13:30
     

    thai temple rooftop
    graceful thai dancers'
    pointed fingers

  10.  
    bob richardson (orgbob at webtv dot net)
    2004-06-21 20:02:19
     

    muggy summer morn
    dove fledglings oblivious --
    parents forced from the nest

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