the world disappears
except for the sunlight
through lace curtains


—Dawn Bruce
        

Originally published in the book Stinging the Silence.

About the author: Dawn Bruce, somersetpoets at ozemail.com.au

Dawn Bruce is a widely published Australian poet, winner of numerous free verse and haiku awards. Dawn was the coordinator of Somerset Poets for five years and is now leader of two creative writing groups in Sydney. Her second book, 'Tangible Shadows', will be published late 2005.

 

Responses to the haiku for 27 June 2003 by Dawn Bruce

  1.  
    Michael Meyerhofer
    2003-06-27 17:00:32
     

    Dawn,

    I like the image you present, and the contrast of the disappearing world with the description of a world that is obviously still very present. I'd definitely suggest tightening up the poem a bit, though, to flush out that contrast more strongly. Perhaps something like...

    the world disappears--
    sunlight
    through lace curtains

    Just a suggestion. Good luck!

    Michael

  2.  
    2003-06-27 19:44:33
     

    I like the moment this picture gives us too, but would agree with Michael that line 2's 'except for the'     feels a tad flappy.

    There is a deeper issue for me though: reading the haiku as is (or Michael's suggestion), I have to read right to the end before I can begin drawing a picture. Turn the haiku on its head (more or less) and my experience is greatly enhanced, as each line draws strokes across the canvas:

    through lace curtains
    sunlight--
    the world disappears

    or..

    sunlight
    through lace curtains--
    the world disappears

    or even(!)...

    sunlight--
    the world disappears
    through lace curtains

    This is not a gripe, Dawn, I recognise that my preferences are not shared by everyone!

    email

  3.  
    bob richardson (orgbob at webtv dot net)
    2003-06-30 23:11:19
     

    ha, perchance, norman was in reference to me.

    first, dawn, i think your name is rather appropriate for your haiku.

    upon reading your work, i found myself being overwhelmed, mind you, this was with my first reading.
    secondly, after clearing my head and considering what michael and norm had mentioned, i found myself enjoying your rendition, the more so.

    yet it seems we all are critics.
    as i had mentioned earlier, i enjoyed the haiku, then i realized why. i was totally under your guidance...
    i was somewhat being lead, mine you, not being mislead. i felt i was being whispered to, instead of being giving a sampling of your experience, and my thoughts were not being formed on their own. this is not at all bad.

    being cont.

  4.  
    bob richardson (orgbob at webtv dot net)
    2003-06-30 23:14:03
     

    michael and norm, your remakes created something overly dramatic, harsh, and akin to script reading, as oppose to sharing the moment with a loved one.
    fellows, at times we can become too analytical; enjoy it for what is being said, without having to check the ingredients.

    if i were to make a suggestion, i would soften dawn's words, even more so.

    case in point:

    except for sunlight
    world disappears...
    through lace curtains

    now, i can truly sense the moment; being shared by two...

    dawn, i would enjoy reading more of your creations; tis a pity i can't hear you voice them...

  5.  
    john tiong chunghoo
    2003-12-31 22:49:56
     

    a hearty goodbye
    to neighbour
    scarlet sky

  6.  
    bob richardson (orgbob at webtv dot net)
    2004-06-25 15:42:39
     

    ripples through
    the warm murky waters --
    my reflection no longer

    -

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