rainy day the hummingbird still watches its plastic flower —Rosa Clement
XML Syndication:
Haiku RSS
tinywords is © 2000-2006 d. f. tweney; individual haiku are © their respective authors.
comments/problems? email: dft at tinywords.com
rainy day
the hummingbird still watches
its plastic flower
-----
It's an interesting idea showing how Hummingbird's can be very territorial, but I think it needs some tweaking. "Still" can be such a lazy word in haiku. :-(
Spring rain
the Anna's Hummingbird watches
its plastic flower
The question is whether "still" adds anything to "the hummingbird watches." If it does, it belongs; otherwise,no.
I'd leave "rainy day" as is.
Anyway, I love that plastic flower.
I agree with the comment above about using "still"... but it's a great haiku anyway!
I think the "still" very much adds to the haiku. Do not hummingbirds appear still as they hover in place?
I enjoyed this!
rainy day
the hummingbird still watches
its plastic flower
Rosa,
This is wonderful! And I really like "still" in this context. If the still weren't there, a reader would think that the rain somehow compelled the hummingbird to watch the flower. Still implies a habitual, continuing activity that occurs in sunshine and rain. Your haiku is perfect as is, Rosa.
My best,
Melissa
Rosa, it's wonderful.I have spent many hours watching the hummingbirds still watching the plastic flower. I wonder if the critics of "still" have ever really watched the hummingbirds on a rainy day??? I read your words and can feel the dampness, I can see the tiny glittering eye. Thank you, Kat
i like your haiku very much, Rosa!
After the rain
on the platic flower
the first fallen leaves
Hi, Rosa.Me again. I thought about this haiku, and I love it all the more. It occurred to me that "rainy day" and "still" are essential here. This haiku implicitly speaks volumes about the hummingbird's observer. I imagine the observer, you, trapped indoors by the rain, noticing, at various points in an otherwise dreary day, the hummingbird "still" watching the flower. This is brilliant!
who cares!
rosa, follow your heart.
I want to thank you all for the wonderful feedback. I felt a need to use 'still' because I worried that the little bird had been there for a long time and the rain was getting stronger... For the same bird:
cold day
the hummingbird
even smaller
Thank you,
Rosa
Poor hummingbird,
ain't gonna get much juice
from a plastic flower.
Rosa . . . I love your haiku; particularly the plastic flower.
Rosa; This Ku, is great. Still_!
At my pond side, I attract/feed the hummers all summer long.
"In the sun or rain they are still on watch, still on guard." There is always that territorial sparring that can, and will occur 'twixt the hummer on "watch" and any challanger for (its) the feeder's... plastic flower.
nectar feeder
its plastic flowers
drip of rain
_m
ahh, shades of "too"-
rosa's creation is one of those gems; while overt, swells with subtle significance.
unperceivable to most, "still" relates to all 3 lines, and things in-between; and to the observer, and reader.
i'm reminded of a piece i'd written:
this rainy day
the caged bird weighs...
what thoughts
-
fawn in the tall grass
still--
i fear to breathe
Rosa, I love your haiku. It juxtaposes two delightful and natural observations in simple resonance, with a touch of wit and humor. Perfect!
And BM Richardson, in spite of your pontificating, you sometimes come up with a gem or two. One which I've saved is the following . . .
small talk--
a tiny red strawberry
on her ankle
The other is your new one above about the fawn. VERY nice!
michael(mike), thank you; albeit, i feel "tendentious" suits me to a (t). some venture farther, saying i'm didactic, even pedantic. why stop there, should i say "pragmatic". i prefer "pragmatics"; there is a difference between the two. leaning towards pragmatism, there are times i suppress where my thoughts lead me...
-
one of those days--
even sparrow selective
in twig selection