The whine of chainsaws
in morning’s early light – –
ice storm in the south.
Published by
Phil Price
I am Phil Price (age 51) and live in Greenville, SC. I enjoy the outdoors (gardening, hiking, fishing, exploring) much more than the confines of manmade structures. Thanks to the successful and enduring efforts of a favorite high school teacher, I enjoy most forms of literature and write the occasional poem or essay, generally about personal events along life's journey.
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6 thoughts on “”
I recommend that the author start the haiku with the phrase “ice storm”. It’s more visual than the sound of whining chainsaws, plus it conveys a sense of place. By starting with the visual, there then arises a sense of unfolding to the rest of the haiku: At first we don’t know much about the ice storm (is it day/night, on-going storm/or has it passed, etc). Then we see the ice sparkling in the morning light. Then, to this, we add the sound of chainsaws (human activity) and this confirms that the ice storm has passed (which is probably what the author wanted to convey with the phrase “in the south”).
ice storm
in morning’s early light
the whine of chainsaws
While I like this it took the paragraph to make it work entirely. May I suggest you swap line three for line one, I think this may lift the idea to your intention.
I recommend that the author start the haiku with the phrase “ice storm”. It’s more visual than the sound of whining chainsaws, plus it conveys a sense of place. By starting with the visual, there then arises a sense of unfolding to the rest of the haiku: At first we don’t know much about the ice storm (is it day/night, on-going storm/or has it passed, etc). Then we see the ice sparkling in the morning light. Then, to this, we add the sound of chainsaws (human activity) and this confirms that the ice storm has passed (which is probably what the author wanted to convey with the phrase “in the south”).
ice storm
in morning’s early light
the whine of chainsaws
While I like this it took the paragraph to make it work entirely. May I suggest you swap line three for line one, I think this may lift the idea to your intention.
hurricane warnings
new brighter day cometh –
doors open
lumbering
the whine in
tribal hearts
in her voice a whine
storming out the door at dawn’s light —
please stay
–
tree ice
sunlight inches down
the bedroom chair