Jeffrey Winke lives in Milwaukee, Wisconsin in a suburban condo mere blocks from Lake Michigan. He writes haiku, haibun, and articles about heavy equipment moving dirt.
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I like the contrasting warmth here of what I imagine as a diner. For the author to hear the soft hum of the sign for all the rain, I suspect that he is already inside warming up in the very booth at which the sign can be most easily heard. Nice poem.
The juxtaposition of inside and outside works well. I like how the rain is given an almost electrical charge from the sign’s noise. I agree you could lose ‘cold’ but not the others. ‘red’ emphasizes the cold/warm relationship.
Jeffrey, thank you.
I really like this, it has so much input and gives me a vivid image. Well done.
Nice image, but too much input – i.e. no room for any from the reader.
5 adjectives in a 10 word haiku! Lose cold, red and soft and I love it.
I like the contrasting warmth here of what I imagine as a diner. For the author to hear the soft hum of the sign for all the rain, I suspect that he is already inside warming up in the very booth at which the sign can be most easily heard. Nice poem.
The juxtaposition of inside and outside works well. I like how the rain is given an almost electrical charge from the sign’s noise. I agree you could lose ‘cold’ but not the others. ‘red’ emphasizes the cold/warm relationship.
yeah, I would drop “cold,” but I do like
all the senses, that this poem touches: Hell,
it’s got everything: “the whole 9 years,”
now, that’s cliche.
Sincerely,
Gene:)
aged overcoat
stomach groans –
penniless, he walks pass the diner
jeffrey, my friend, where are you from. is “the early 70’s” or “what’s not there” significant
in passing, was it a moonless night, though i knew you were close by
on the neonlight
featuring sparrow house
two little birds sleep
winter, so cold –
the way she treats me
–
no home
no rest
too weak to go on, too strong to cry