standing near my wife
watching the snowflakes melt
in a stranger’s hair
Published by
Alan McCarthy
Alan currently lives in Saigon, Vietnam with his wife, Kelly. He is working on his first novel, Mongolian Blonde.
Contact: alan dot mccarthy at gmail dot com
View all posts by Alan McCarthy
41 thoughts on “”
Beautifully captures the strangeness at the center of our relationships.
for gK: “standing” need not be read as a truncated progressive present. It can be, rather, a participle or gerund; either makes this an open-ended path to the silent fourth line of genuine haiku. The haiku police won’t tell you this, but the -ing formation is one of the most potent resources of haiku.
Alan – Just wanted to say that I enjoyed reading your haiku and I believe it is perfect as is. It is subtle, gentle, original, and stunningly complete. Your haiku speaks about relationships with loved ones and those ten second relationships we all spark with strangers. Bravo! I just love your work. And I am of the opinion that it is perfect, please don’t change a thing. -Felica Sah
Love it. Though living in Texas; Reminds me of my days in New York, Central park. White Christmas. Early, chilly morning right after a snow fall, when the air is cleanest. you can smell a womens perfum from a distance. Those where the days.
watching the snow melt in her hair
stranger standing next to my wife
amazing what the ending -ING does to one’s understanding
the -ing formation does wonders when used in the appropriate manner. albeit, most are left with this erroneous surmise of something that’s simply wasn’t meant; wouldn’t an appositive be nice
I’m a newbie (so take my opinion with a grain of salt), but in defence of gK, it does seem to me to be a run-on with really only one image. (a lovely image though) Bill & b.m. – I’m trying to understand; but you’ve lost me. ;)
jc, tangling web of the -ing(gerund), but i’m taking your response salt-free. there being at least two individuals present, my wife and the watcher, we do have the infamous turn. there are times when a little mysticism is too much; as there are times when one’s thoughts tend to infer something that isn’t there; in gk’s case, his adding of “i am”. in a haiku, there ARE clearly drawn lines…
using a gerund affects our interpretation.
¿swan, the overall understanding would be changed. i’m trying to understand where the “i” is coming from, versus the way the haiku is written. stranger standing next to the wife, watching the snow melt in her hair. here i’d say, this observation seems repeated to the husband, by another observer.
Okay, I’m starting to get it. Gerunds/participles = very tricky. Now I see the ambiguity. We don’t know who is standing near the wife (husband or stranger). And we don’t know who is watching (husband, stranger, or wife). Finally, we don’t know who owns the hair (the stranger? Or if it’s the stranger watching; then the wife or husband would be a stranger to him or her)! Thx for explaining:)
bill, i respect your reading of a haiku; but your defining of a gerund, i questioned. gerunds when the subject, appositive, direct object, object of preposition, to name a few, need a complete sentence to be properly understood. limiting a gerund being mistaken for a predicate verb, even the present participle; or vice versa
–
syntax
–
fading winter sunset
diving into the gulf
this redhead
Alan’s original version is perfect. The rewrites are less immediate, less evocative. The ambiguity in the original doesn’t hinder a clear reading, but makes more than one reading possible. I read it, without confusion or hesitation, one way and then later saw different, also rewarding, ways of reading it. I think Felica has it exactly right in her comments.
I agree with Judith’s comment above – you definitely could not pay for this kind of exposure! Alan, you are quite the celebrated writer here. Please be reminded that all brilliant works are initially misunderstood. Bravo to you, Alan!
-Felica S.
felica, some brilliant work is never understood, some thought to be while being totally misunderstood.
we’re a product of our learnings, or that which we’re taught. the difference evolves when one begins thinking for him/herself. at times being branded the rebel, surely unorthodox while questioning the norm…
–
blue skies
atop this spruce–
silence from the black bird’s perch
Beautifully captures the strangeness at the center of our relationships.
this is quite good. a good platform from which to build or jump into a short story.
beautiful, reminds me of Orhan Pamuk
Reluctant to say goodnight –
snow melts
on his eyelashes
would you consider . . .
snowflakes melt
in a stranger’s hair
near my wife
the moon spreads
her hairs shadow on the pond
a duck combs
_m
Welcome Alan (from another Alan) to tinywords! ;-)
[I am] standing near my wife watching the snowflakes melt in a stranger’s hair
—–
It certainly is a striking image, but I have to wonder: Is it is a haiku, or is it an almost sentence sliced into the three-line haiku format?
for gk . . .
don’t worry spiders,
I keep house
lightly
Issa
for GK . . . does it matter?
for gK: “standing” need not be read as a truncated progressive present. It can be, rather, a participle or gerund; either makes this an open-ended path to the silent fourth line of genuine haiku. The haiku police won’t tell you this, but the -ing formation is one of the most potent resources of haiku.
Alan – Just wanted to say that I enjoyed reading your haiku and I believe it is perfect as is. It is subtle, gentle, original, and stunningly complete. Your haiku speaks about relationships with loved ones and those ten second relationships we all spark with strangers. Bravo! I just love your work. And I am of the opinion that it is perfect, please don’t change a thing. -Felica Sah
nearness, strangeness
your haiku is very interesting
I love it. The all too common paying attention to others when the ones who should be at the center of our world are just standing nearby. Thanks!
Love it. Though living in Texas; Reminds me of my days in New York, Central park. White Christmas. Early, chilly morning right after a snow fall, when the air is cleanest. you can smell a womens perfum from a distance. Those where the days.
Nice work Alan. Stimulates mystery: whose hair is the snowflake melting in?
syntax
syntax
syntax
yes, even in a haiku
watching the snow melt in her hair
stranger standing next to my wife
amazing what the ending -ING does to one’s understanding
the -ing formation does wonders when used in the appropriate manner. albeit, most are left with this erroneous surmise of something that’s simply wasn’t meant; wouldn’t an appositive be nice
Perfect. An amazing poem!
I’m a newbie (so take my opinion with a grain of salt), but in defence of gK, it does seem to me to be a run-on with really only one image. (a lovely image though) Bill & b.m. – I’m trying to understand; but you’ve lost me. ;)
jc, tangling web of the -ing(gerund), but i’m taking your response salt-free. there being at least two individuals present, my wife and the watcher, we do have the infamous turn. there are times when a little mysticism is too much; as there are times when one’s thoughts tend to infer something that isn’t there; in gk’s case, his adding of “i am”. in a haiku, there ARE clearly drawn lines…
Does this sound better if it reads like this;
standing near my wife
i watch the snowflakes melt
in a stranger’s hair
using a gerund affects our interpretation.
¿swan, the overall understanding would be changed. i’m trying to understand where the “i” is coming from, versus the way the haiku is written. stranger standing next to the wife, watching the snow melt in her hair. here i’d say, this observation seems repeated to the husband, by another observer.
hmmmmmm, rather clandestine, HA
For jc:
gerund: “standing . . . hair is . . .” (“standing” as subject of “is”, i. e., acting like a noun)
participle: “standing . . . hair, I . . .” (“standing” modifies “I,” i. e., acts like an adjective)
The grammatical openness of the -ing form, lending itself to ambiguities of theme and rhythm, is what makes it such a potent resource.
how much depends
upon
each tiny
ing
for a stranger’s
hair
in the falling
snow?
strange hair
standing
in fluffy white
potatoes
hope it’s the wife’s
bill, i beg to differ. you need a complete sentence to make your declarations valid and comprehensible.
–
chilling air
in the early hours
the rooster crows
Okay, I’m starting to get it. Gerunds/participles = very tricky. Now I see the ambiguity. We don’t know who is standing near the wife (husband or stranger). And we don’t know who is watching (husband, stranger, or wife). Finally, we don’t know who owns the hair (the stranger? Or if it’s the stranger watching; then the wife or husband would be a stranger to him or her)! Thx for explaining:)
For bm (and anyone else who is interested):
Many haiku are best read as fragments of larger wholes, which are implied or hinted at: the “silent fourth line” I mentioned in an earlier comment.
But we all have our ways of reading, and I certainly respect yours.
A humble observation… “such illuminating discussions above_!”
foggy mirror
her hair drier blows away
yesterdays
_m
bill, i respect your reading of a haiku; but your defining of a gerund, i questioned. gerunds when the subject, appositive, direct object, object of preposition, to name a few, need a complete sentence to be properly understood. limiting a gerund being mistaken for a predicate verb, even the present participle; or vice versa
–
syntax
–
fading winter sunset
diving into the gulf
this redhead
Alan: you probably couldn’t pay for this kind of extensive exposure.
Swan: your haiku gets my vote.
Dylan: Please, please come home! Enough already!
Alan’s original version is perfect. The rewrites are less immediate, less evocative. The ambiguity in the original doesn’t hinder a clear reading, but makes more than one reading possible. I read it, without confusion or hesitation, one way and then later saw different, also rewarding, ways of reading it. I think Felica has it exactly right in her comments.
Thanks Ms J. Ingram.
two?
daily tinywords responses, more
thousands
I agree with Judith’s comment above – you definitely could not pay for this kind of exposure! Alan, you are quite the celebrated writer here. Please be reminded that all brilliant works are initially misunderstood. Bravo to you, Alan!
-Felica S.
Changing the subject … the last posted tiny words haiku is this January 7 … at least it is on my computer. Is someone ill?
wet-headed stranger
observes hubby looking still
bus trip to nowhere
How can we help? It’s been 10 days now.
felica, some brilliant work is never understood, some thought to be while being totally misunderstood.
we’re a product of our learnings, or that which we’re taught. the difference evolves when one begins thinking for him/herself. at times being branded the rebel, surely unorthodox while questioning the norm…
–
blue skies
atop this spruce–
silence from the black bird’s perch
Hey, Dylan where are you and the rest of the staff? Everyone is anxious for your return.
The haiku has a strange sense of false security. But I still like it. It makes you kinda wander what was going through your head as you wrote it.
Haiku: Veiled Morning Commute
White bird on black cloud
Spring rains in the wintertime
Unexpected warmth