I've been studying and writing haiku for a little over a year. After participating in a scifaiku list for a couple of years, I began to focus on more traditional haiku.
email: mikeg_56 at yahoo dot com
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3 thoughts on “”
in reading mike’s rewrite, i am curious concerning the original
“i understand what mike is saying”
“drowning” is not literally applicable(meaning what), more conceivable are the terms “submersed” or even “immersed”
my conception is based on life in south florida, where it may rain for an hour, leaving thigh-deep waters. the plants reminds me of transient-straws, one might use to take a sip from the pools, suddenly created.
after a half an hour, the waters have disappeared, leaving none of the plant-life with ill-effects from this immersion; most assuredly, i have failed to hear any plant call out, “save me, i’m drowning”
mike, i appreciate your depiction, however, the direction my thoughts proceeded in, took away from the moment; perhaps this is meant to be a satirical situation
see, i am still pondering mike’s work, based on my readings “in writing a haiku, keep it real”.
In reading this haiku; more than once; because of its left indented placement, I caught a nice visual aspect to it– where there is “the” in Line One forming a pattern like the apex of a triangle, the “t ” in “the” in line one can be traced down to The “t ” in tall of Line Two and on the other side of the triangle, The ” r ” in rain traced down to the “r” in drowing in Line two; with the ‘s” in puddles nestling under the double “s” of “grass” in Line two. I like like the graphic placement of the letters.
in reading mike’s rewrite, i am curious concerning the original
“i understand what mike is saying”
“drowning” is not literally applicable(meaning what), more conceivable are the terms “submersed” or even “immersed”
my conception is based on life in south florida, where it may rain for an hour, leaving thigh-deep waters. the plants reminds me of transient-straws, one might use to take a sip from the pools, suddenly created.
after a half an hour, the waters have disappeared, leaving none of the plant-life with ill-effects from this immersion; most assuredly, i have failed to hear any plant call out, “save me, i’m drowning”
mike, i appreciate your depiction, however, the direction my thoughts proceeded in, took away from the moment; perhaps this is meant to be a satirical situation
see, i am still pondering mike’s work, based on my readings “in writing a haiku, keep it real”.
the above, “my” thoughts, generated by mike
In reading this haiku; more than once; because of its left indented placement, I caught a nice visual aspect to it– where there is “the” in Line One forming a pattern like the apex of a triangle, the “t ” in “the” in line one can be traced down to The “t ” in tall of Line Two and on the other side of the triangle, The ” r ” in rain traced down to the “r” in drowing in Line two; with the ‘s” in puddles nestling under the double “s” of “grass” in Line two. I like like the graphic placement of the letters.
perhaps today, i’m simply tired, gillena. i couldn’t capture the visual placement(displacement)
–
before the rains –
dusty flower
once yellow, now yellow again