awaiting
friends
returning geese
Published by
Gillena Cox
Now retired from the Government service where I worked from 1968 to 2003. Born February 1950. I am married to Anthony Cox since 1971; we have two children - a daughter Yanda; and a son Khama. Writing poetry is my dearest hobby. I enjoy the aspect of abstraction in haiku. Beside my writing I spend quiet time reading and crocheting. I also enjoy a challenging game of Scrabble. I am a member of the World Haiku Club and some of my poems appears at World Haiku Review, my work can also be read at The Heron's Nest, In Buddha's Temple, Charnwood, Wordchimes, and poetry.com My poetry site is PatchWork, poetry for the whole family. View all posts by Gillena Cox
This is my kind of haiku. Plenty of space in there for the reader to occupy and fill in the canvas.
But a couple of minor points:
I find the break between 1st and 2nd lines a little unnatural and at odds with the rhythm, partly because awaiting cannot stand alone, and begs an object. Gillena, what about:
waiting
for friends
Waiting for and awaiting are identical in meaning, but waiting can stand alone. The total syllable count is unchanged, but redistributed from 3:1:4 to 2:2:4. I find the latter more pleasing, as that monosyllabic 2nd line felt very constraining. Also, the metrical symmetry between the 2 clauses in the original comes across as a bit twee, in my view.
These are small things. It’s a great haiku. I’m looking forward to visiting your site now Gillena.
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I am a fan of your work, and also enjoy your haiku on Abe Mitsugu’s forum, as well.
The concise use of words makes this quite enjoyable.
Arigatogozimase – Deborah
Very nice. Interesting to read about the poem’s creation.
norman, it is stated what was being awaited, friends. after that, the picture gets rather murky. without gillena’s explanation, this piece would not be so brilliant.
at times, brevity serves no purpose, other than saving one ink or paper or thought. usage of one, two, or even three additional words would allow this writing to stand on it’s own merit, without an explanation from it’s author.
a question comes to minds, why some “rush” to admit to things, while finding it hard to come to grips with, in the first place.
on my first reading, “i assumed” the geese were her friends. “i think” i’ve found an ally in ellen. indeed, the poem’s creation is intriguing.
to be cont.
continuing:
yes, deborah it is very concise and comprehensive, so concise in it’s alluding to a broad range of situations.
i ran to my dictionary to check the meaning of “enjoyable” and deborah’s usage.
it is wide in scope, somewhat counterproductive for brevity.
the words were understandable, but the overall text was not, compare the author’s explanation to the actual piece.
reminds me of something from grade school.
case in point:
all cars are vehicles
though all vehicles are NOT cars.
the same could be said about the haiku.
the haiku is a literary piece
though all literary pieces are not to be considered a haiku; but then, they could be, if brevity was enforced…
GREAT HAIKU POEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I appreciate all the comments to this haiku. Norman Thanks for taking the time to comment and forward your suggestions. I love that about haiku. Actually I wrote this piece; as an inversion with line 3 being the fragment and lines 1 and 2 being the phrase. I wouldn’t want to change ‘awaiting’ to ‘waiting’ though. I look forward to your visit at PatchWork. Please remember to sign the guest book.
saying goodbye
lovers —
the touch of finger tips
–
Hi Bob, Nice of you to renga
hand in hand
the lovers retreat
sunset
cry of the loon
before sunrise —
what will the new day bring
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