the moon flutters
in the evening breeze
there in the water
Published by
Mike Gregory
I've been studying and writing haiku for a little over a year. After participating in a scifaiku list for a couple of years, I began to focus on more traditional haiku.
email: mikeg_56 at yahoo dot com
View all posts by Mike Gregory
you began with something great, i was surprise to find i had completely read it, in spite of it being three short lines; i was somewhat mesmerized.
i have to admit we have a sentence here. you could have come up with some great forms for comparison(juxtapose), turning point, and found yourself reading, “great job mike”.
mike, the thoughts are there.
here are my thoughts, restructured from yours:
~ evening breeze ~
whispery moon…
shimmers on the water
Nice moment BUT…let the haiku itself direct the reader’s senses without directly pointing out “there in the water”. By simply placing a body of water like ‘roadside pond’…it still takes the reader there without all the “pointing”.
Keep it up!
a galaxy extinguished
with a casual wave
email
i enjoyed your concept, mike.
you began with something great, i was surprise to find i had completely read it, in spite of it being three short lines; i was somewhat mesmerized.
i have to admit we have a sentence here. you could have come up with some great forms for comparison(juxtapose), turning point, and found yourself reading, “great job mike”.
mike, the thoughts are there.
here are my thoughts, restructured from yours:
~ evening breeze ~
whispery moon…
shimmers on the water
Nice moment BUT…let the haiku itself direct the reader’s senses without directly pointing out “there in the water”. By simply placing a body of water like ‘roadside pond’…it still takes the reader there without all the “pointing”.
Keep it up!
serenading
the moon
an owl and frogs
black backdrop —
moon, stars, and clouds
my thoughts this summer evening
what a great still!!!
–
Hey Mike,
come back and kick ass!!!
Best wishes from Germany!!!
northern breeze
from the same direction ~
pine bends
–