at home
bay window
no matter the season
drawn curtains
he’s not what you’d call sociable. sometimes he just starts yelling for no reason. but there’s no way to predict when that will be. so how do i explain him to someone new? someone not in the family? quirky doesn’t really cut it.
filling the length
of the front window
blue hydrangea
November 22nd, 2010 at 11:01 am
This would be much stronger without the first haiku. "no matter the season" is too intellectual for haiku and takes the reader out of the moment (it tells instead of shows). It also anticipates the emotion to come and I would rather discover it as I go. Otherwise, an excellent piece.
November 22nd, 2010 at 5:47 pm
The first haiku is so good you almost don't need a haibun from it. But I love the haibun and second haiku too, so this has been a real treat.
Alan, With Words
November 22nd, 2010 at 7:47 pm
hey alan thanks for your thoughts. so said i missed your deadline :( what to do with those haiku now.
November 22nd, 2010 at 7:49 pm
i meant to say… so sad i missed your deadline!
November 23rd, 2010 at 5:16 am
That's a shame. I'm really looking forward to our With Words administrator sending me all the entries (without names) so I can starting looking at them. I'm really excited about our third competition. ;-)
November 22nd, 2010 at 6:12 pm
This would be much stronger without the first haiku.
"no matter the season" is too intellectual for haiku – it tells instead of shows which takes the reader out of the moment. Although I personally would prefer just the one haiku at the end, something like "bay window / bright sunshine against / drawn curtains" would tighten it up.
Otherwise, an excellent piece.
November 23rd, 2010 at 5:22 am
Hi Allison,
Certainly removing the first haiku would bring a completely new take on the haibun prose. An interesting thought.
I think 'bright sunshine' might serve to tell as well, and might enforce the idea that the quirky 'he' is actually the blue hydrangea itself.
With the first haiku, Roberta has set up the interior atmosphere of someone closed off to the world, and the second and final haiku helps compare this with the blue hydrangea "lapping up" the sun, and the external world.
I feel there is very much a tragi-comedy going on, and with any good comedy, there's a strong serious streak running through it.
Alan, With Words
November 22nd, 2010 at 7:51 pm
thanks allison; i appreciate your comments.
November 22nd, 2010 at 8:19 pm
I love the first haiku , it exemplifies the pain, shame and embarrassment addressed in the prose portion of the piece.
November 23rd, 2010 at 6:13 pm
hi Terri. thanks for your thoughts on the first haiku.
November 23rd, 2010 at 6:45 am
Thanks for the invitation to dinner Roberta.
I like the meal you cooked, except you should throw out the appetizers and cook the dessert with entirely different ingredients.
Otherwise, it was excellent.
November 23rd, 2010 at 7:29 am
richard thanks so much for your comment which i 'got' right away…nothing was lost in translation! i can almost hear The Sound of Poets Cooking (Jacar Press 2010)
November 23rd, 2010 at 8:09 am
I really like this haibun with both haiku. I think of "bi-polar disorder" without Roberta saying this for sure. Without both haiku I wouldn't have gotten the play between darkness & light, or my interpretation that the windows are at opposite ends of the house, (not to mention opposite ends of the piece) which all help to strengthen the feeling of extremes.
November 23rd, 2010 at 2:17 pm
Good point Jennifer. Alas bi-polar issues are so common nowadays. I agree that both haiku are needed for the prose section.
Alan, With Words
August 11th, 2015 at 12:52 am
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April 8th, 2017 at 9:30 pm
th the first haiku, Roberta has set up the interior atmosphere of someone closed off to the world, and the second and final haiku helps compare this with the blue hydrangea "lapping up" the sun, and the external world.
I feel there is very much a tragi-comedy going on, and with any good comedy, there's a strong serious streak running through it.