in smoky twilight
i remember how light
his casket was
yet i can’t pick up his toys
still scattered in the yard
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in smoky twilight
i remember how light
his casket was
yet i can’t pick up his toys
still scattered in the yard
This is excellent, very well done.
This is heartbreaking in its honesty and simplicity. I was transported.
Never have so few words transported me so far, so quickly. How can the unimaginable resonate so fully? I wonder if my haste to respond to this tiny poem is just my way to avoid the ache, to shift the connection from experience to insufficient words, as all words will be in the wake of this…
Thank you for such a moving poem Helen Kinsella
Extremely moving. The last two lines weighs heavy on my heart.
Heartbreaking. Thanks for sharing.
Heartbreaking. The feelings are understated and beautifully expressed.
v. good and, yes, v. moving. written in a simple, straightforward, and effective style.
Stronger if you left out the first line. If you experienced it, my heart goes out to you.
The last two lines are incredibly moving. I sort of agree with Rich, but I would keep the word “twilight” as the first line. A beautiful poem though, congratulations.
graveside ~
a butterfly lands
on a plastic flower
Effective juxtaposition that results in a beautiful poem. I agree, however, that the first line should be eliminated or kept to the one word “twilight.”
The whole in your heart lives
in the twilight. We all feel it.
Brian, what you write reminds me of the graves I’ve seen on some Native American reservations that are 10 or 15 or so feet from the back doors of two of the trailer homes. Most of the few I saw were there because a teenager had killed taken his life. Plastic flowers and art and perhaps the young person’s bike are placed around the grave within a fenced area. I would think it would have to be a 24/7 reminder of the hole in the heart of the family who lives in the trailer. Some family members would go out and sit with the deceased.
DON’T CHANGE A WORD….LOVED IT.
Don’t change a word. For me, “in smoky twilight” led me to think of an older person, so that the impact at the end was even bigger. So profoundly sad that way. Don’t change it.
John,
Gosh, it has been awhile since something has moved me, as this piece did. It is when I read poems like this that capture such beauty (in the sense of how they are written)and such sadness remind me why I feel in love with poetry in the first place.
This is a wonderful piece; many writers aspire to write something that has the ability to touch the hearts of others, as this has done for me.
I hope that it is ok that I have shared this as a featured post on a free creative blog that I host; as I believe many of our readers will feel much the same as I do about this poem.
http://blog.stormsagecentral.com/2010/02/untitled-by-john-stone-via-tinywords.html#links
beautiful. i too hope it wasn't based on your life.